Dear friends and losers, 

Tomorrow is Orange Tuesday, which means there’s a strong chance I’ll be going to prison. I look great in orange. I’m currently pitching a documentary about my time in lockup called “Orange is the New White Supremacist”

Don’t worry about me, America, I have been preparing for this day for years by having Eric hold my pocket since he was a young boy. I’ve been studying how to navigate the prison-industrial complex for the past few hours by watching a documentary called “Get Hard” starring Will Smith and Colin Farrell, truly a great film. 

I plan on ending race tensions in prison in one day, folks, very easily, before I even arrive in intake I will have ended the whole conflict. It will take me no longer than one day, easily, I’m going to get the blacks, the Mexicans, and the white supremacists at one folding table to talk it out. 

Don’t fret for my safety, folks. I make the best shivs–the most beautiful shivs–you’ve ever seen, except you won’t see them because they’re also the most well-hidden shivs you can’t find no matter how hard you try.

Your favorite president, 

-Donald J. Trump